The Coaching Tool My Clients Love Most
My Spiritual Coaching clients regularly tell me one of the best tools I have given them is to question whether their choices come from inspiration, obligation, or desperation. Longtime readers probably remember this concept from past stories, but it’s one worth repeating. (Click here to watch the video of this week's message and hear how my mom helped me learn the lesson of inspiration, obligation, and desperation.)
I first heard this breakdown many years ago during a post-film Q&A with Chad Cameron, one of the producers of Leap! The Movie. He observed that we always make decisions from one of these three places. None of them are wrong. The invitation is to notice which place you are coming from and then observe the results.
Let’s start with the most extreme one…desperation. If, for example, you are desperate to get attention or desperate to get a promotion, you might make choices that are not in alignment with your values. In an attempt to draw attention to yourself, you might blurt something out or tell a story that is inappropriate and embarrassing. To make yourself look like the best candidate for a promotion, you might say something unkind about a co-worker in front of a supervisor or take credit for something you did not do.
It rarely feels good when we make choices from desperation, but it happens when we think that is the only way to get what we want. An extreme example that I often use is when someone is suffering from a drug addiction. Desperate to get their next “fix,” they might break into a home, rob a convenience store, or steal money, jewelry, or other valuables from a loved one. Again, these are not choices they would make under normal circumstances, but desperation and fear distort our judgment.
As someone recovering from “the disease to please,” I am very familiar with the next category…obligation. If you hear yourself saying I should do this or I should do that, it’s a telltale sign that you’re coming from obligation.
It’s especially common when dealing with family and close friends. They gave me a gift so I should buy one for them. They invited all of the cousins to their wedding so now I should invite them to mine. She gave me life so I should call my mother every day. Fill in the blank with your own “shoulds.”
In my experience, when I show up somewhere that I don’t really want to be, or do something that I don’t really want to do, on some level the person I’m with can feel it. Even if I smile my best smile and say, “It’s so good to be here.” They may not be able to articulate it, but I believe they can sense a subtle resentment in my energy. Ultimately, that’s not the kind of energy I want to bring to a gathering or infuse into an act of service.
I had numerous opportunities to learn this with my mom during the last years of her life. She lived about 15 minutes from me in Fort Lauderdale, FL, while the rest of my siblings lived up north. Since my mom didn’t drive, it was up to me to take her shopping for groceries and whatever else she needed.
Reluctantly, I agreed to do this every Friday, because I knew it gave her peace of mind to have a regularly scheduled outing. Unfortunately, I am not someone who enjoys shopping. In fact, it’s one of my least favorite activities, so this definitely felt like an obligation. Some Fridays it took every ounce of will to get in the car and drive over to pick her up.
What made it more maddening was the fact that my mother had to go up and down every aisle of the grocery store (even the pet aisle when she no longer had pets!) She wanted to make sure there was nothing in each aisle that she needed. It really tested my patience. By the end of our excursions, I was not the best version of myself.
Whether I said it or not, I know she could feel that I didn’t want to be there. It was on those days that we butted heads. I got frustrated with her and she got frustrated with me. There was a lot of complaining and very little joy. Those obligatory visits did not feel good.
However, there were times when I absolutely wanted to visit my mom. I had good news to share or I had a challenging experience with my partner that I wanted to talk to her about. On those occasions, it was a completely different experience. This brings us to the final category…inspiration. Breathing in Spirit. And what a breath of fresh air it is!
In my mind’s eye, I can still see her face light up with joy when I knocked on her door unexpectedly. We would go for pizza or Asian food, or drive to the beach to talk and watch the sun go down. No matter what we did, those inspired visits were the best.
We made each other laugh. We teased each other. If I was going through a tough time, she often shared words of wisdom from her life experience. Sometimes our minds were so connected that she would say something random that had just popped into my head or vice versa. At first, it freaked us out, but soon it became very usual. It was a wonderful example of what’s possible when I follow inspiration.
A Course in Miracles simplifies it even more by saying we act from love or fear. When I feel constricted and unhappy, I know I’m choosing fear. Desperation and obligation fall under this category, while inspiration falls in the category of love. When I feel expansive and joyful, I’m choosing love. It’s a pretty straightforward concept. Fear begets more fear and love begets more love. So I do my best to start from love.
I know some of you are thinking, “John. There are things that I really have to do that I don’t want to do.” True. I’m not suggesting we never do anything we don’t want to do. There are times when we need to take a closer look at the options and think about the consequences and how we will feel after we’ve made the decision. Some choices don’t feel peaceful in the moment, but not doing them can feel even less peaceful. Peace is my barometer. Whichever decision brings the most peace is the inspired one.
So the next time someone asks you to do something, or you need to decide on how to move forward, I encourage you to take a moment to ask, “Is this something I truly want to do? Am I doing this from inspiration, obligation, or desperation? Am I choosing love or fear?” I promise the more you come from love and inspiration, the better you will feel.
Have you been doing things out of obligation or desperation for so long that it feels like these are your only two choices? It would be my great honor to assist you in breaking free from limiting patterns with a private Family Constellations Session or a series of Spiritual Coaching Sessions. Both are great ways to open yourself up to inspiration and see things from a fresh perspective. If you feel so inspired, please visit my website for more information about both of these healing opportunities and to book a session. I look forward to being inspired with you!
Until next time, may all your decisions come from inspiration and love!
Be certain any answer to a problem the Holy Spirit solves will always be one in which no one loses.
A Course in Miracles ~ T-25.IX.3:1