How My Dad Led Me to Family Constellations

Last week, I mentioned my first experience with Family Constellations and how it felt like a “Date with Destiny.” This week, I thought I’d share details of what happened during that session and why I knew it was my destiny to become a facilitator. If you’ve ever thought about becoming a facilitator or just want to learn more about this incredible work, at the bottom of this page you will find some upcoming opportunities to take a deep dive into the world of Constellations. Now here’s the story: 

“I’d be more okay with it than you think.” The person representing my father spoke these words during my very first Family Constellations Workshop in September 2012. All of a sudden, memories of little toys that my dad used to buy for me when I was 4 or 5 years old popped into my head. They were colorful little dolls called Upsy Downsies with fluffy rainbow-colored hair and matching whimsical vehicles. I hadn’t thought about them in over 30 years, so why was I remembering them now?

That’s when it occurred to me that back in the mid-70s, these toys were definitely marketed to little girls, not little boys. However, that didn’t stop my father from buying them for me because he knew how much I loved them. Perhaps it was true. Maybe my dad would have been okay with the fact that his youngest son is gay. Would he have bought me those toys if he wasn’t?

My father died after a long journey with cancer when I was 7 years old. Throughout my adult life, when the topic came up, my mother and older siblings would tell me that if he had lived, he probably would not be okay with me being gay. They weren’t trying to make me feel bad. It was just a “what if” conversation based on what they heard him say when he was alive. 

But here was "dad” in my first constellation almost 40 years later saying just the opposite. The memory of those toys seemed to support that statement. Meanwhile, I had no idea that “it’s not okay to be gay” was still lurking in my unconscious mind. I thought I had made peace with that when I came out in college. 

However, I remember feeling slightly uncomfortable when two of my male friends displayed affection for each other in line on a trip to Disneyland a month before that workshop. There was no reason to be uncomfortable. They weren’t doing anything inappropriate, but that unconscious belief was still at play.

That’s one of the many magical aspects of Family Constellations. When something is ready to be healed it will be revealed. I soon learned that our unconscious family loyalties and our need to belong can be so strong that they cause us to make choices to the detriment of our well-being. It’s only when these unconscious loyalties are brought to light that we can make different choices. 

In my case, I did not realize that I had an unconscious loyalty to my father. There was a false belief buried in my unconscious mind that told me being in a romantic relationship with another man was unacceptable and could result in me being excluded from my family. Although I did not try to hide my sexual orientation, if I was with a group of strangers, this unconscious loyalty prevented me from speaking openly about being gay for fear of being rejected.

Bert Hellinger, the founder of Family Constellations, said his most important contribution was his observations on belonging. We will give up everything to belong. What do we sacrifice to fit in? I saw this so clearly that day. It was like a door that I didn’t know was locked had been opened. 

Thankfully, I not only heard but felt in my bones a new version of the story that overwrote the previous one. The representative for my father said he approves of who I am and his love for me is unconditional. He said he only wants me to be happy. The spontaneous memory of the Upsy Downsies gave me a visceral experience confirming that truth. 

Under the insightful direction of the facilitator who later became my teacher, I felt the love and support of both my parents and all of my ancestors behind me. They were cheering me on to have a happy, healthy, prosperous life in their honor. I 100% believe that your ancestors are cheering you on to go past their limitations too!

Since that day, I have noticed how comfortable I am sharing that aspect of my life with new people. Not that I walk around waving a gay pride flag, but I certainly would not be sharing this story in a public forum if it hadn’t been for the liberating experience of my first constellation. It positively impacted every aspect of my life. 

What would have been my father’s 95th birthday is coming up on Saturday, October 12. To honor him, I decided to facilitate an online Family Constellations Workshop that day with a special focus on the role of “dad” from the Constellations perspective. I will be sharing some aha moments and unexpected connections that I discovered since I became a Constellations Facilitator. Click here for more information or to register for this afternoon of healing and miracles.

I’m also starting a new 4-week webinar the following day, Sunday, October 13, called “Date with Destiny” for anyone interested in taking a deep dive into the world of Family Constellations. Not only will we explore the foundational principles, but also the nuts and bolts of how it works and how I developed my own facilitation style. Whether you’re curious to learn more about the work or thinking about becoming a facilitator, you can find out more about this program by clicking here. 

Until next time, may you feel the support of your ancestors cheering you on to live a life they could only dream of. No matter what…You Belong! 

Understanding is appreciation, because what you understand you can identify with, and by making it part of you, you have accepted it with love. 

A Course in Miracles - T-7.V.9